How to evacuate from Seoul when the s@!t hits the fan

When tension builds between North and South Korea, evacuation advice articles appear in the press - let's get in early.

As the tension builds up between North and South Korea, sooner or later we’re going to see articles on what to do if conflict breaks out. Targeted at expatriates, there’ll be at least one or two pieces giving advice on when and how to escape as the bombs start landing.

So, let’s beat them to it. No worries mate! Just follow this foolproof evacuation plan, and you’ll be out in no time. Or, you know, maybe not. Here’s how to pretend you’re ready for the impossible feat of escaping a densely packed megacity during a rapidly emerging crisis.

1. Stay informed

First things first: be sure to stay glued to your phone 24/7 because nothing screams "preparedness" like obsessively refreshing your Twitter feed for real-time apocalypse updates. The South Korean government might send out an alert—probably right after everyone else has found out on Reddit, but hey, they’ll get there. And of course, every social media rumor you read is bound to be 100% accurate.

Oh, and don’t forget to register with your embassy. They'll have enough staff to handle every single expat’s request for information when the shit hits the fan. Sure, they’ll be swamped with thousands of panicked calls, but they’ve got this! Remember last time you were in line to get your passport renewed and how efficient they were? Gives you confidence, eh?

2. Pack your totally adequate "72-Hour" emergency kit

Let’s talk about that emergency kit. You’re going to need enough supplies to last 72 hours... because obviously, after that, everything will magically go back to normal. Just pack some granola bars, a couple of liters of water, and your passports. That’ll be plenty to get your family through the streets jammed with millions of other people also trying to flee. And don’t forget cash! You know, because the local convenience store owner is definitely going to open up just to sell you snacks while bombs are falling.

Better throw in a first-aid kit, too, because nothing screams "prepared" like a couple of band-aids and painkillers while civilization collapses around you. And don’t forget your power bank—because naturally you’ll still have cell service, electricity, and wifi to complain about the situation on social media.

3. Know your evacuation routes 

Obviously, you’ll be able to drive right out of Seoul on the nearest highway, because traffic is never a nightmare here, right? Sure, millions of people will all be trying to escape at once, but you’ve mapped out your route, so it’s all good. What could possibly go wrong? 

I have a friend, his name’s Frank. He plans on stealing a moped. He has his screwdriver and hammer in a bag with his passports, granola bars, and sweat rash cream - he says that last one can also be used to light fires - probably on the back of the moped he steals. Frank is the most prepared person I know.

Oh, and Incheon airport? That’ll definitely still be operating smoothly with all those extra charter flights your embassy mentioned... assuming you can get over that loooooong bridge from Seoul. But if all else fails, hey, maybe you can just drive south. It’s not like those roads are ever crowded. No sweat.

4. Communication plan 

Here’s a fun exercise: make a communication plan for your family! Pick a meeting point and a backup location, because we all know how easy it is to stay in touch during a citywide meltdown. If the phones and internet go down, just use one of those nifty apps that work offline... And don’t worry about the kids—they totally remember what to do in an emergency. Especially when they’re panicking and separated from you in a city of 10 million people.

5. Embassy help: Sure, that’ll happen

In the unlikely event that your government is actually organized enough to help, you can always rely on your embassy. They’ve definitely got enough staff and resources to arrange a smooth evacuation for every one of their citizens. You just need to keep refreshing their website for updates that’ll totally come before the whole place is overrun by chaos. After all, what’s a few thousand frantic expats to a handful of embassy workers? Piece of cake.

6. Practice makes perfect

And finally, don’t forget to practice your family’s evacuation drills! It’ll be great fun gathering the kids, grabbing your emergency kit, and pretending that your perfectly planned escape is going to work just like in the movies. Just make sure you all remember to breathe deeply when, in reality, you’re stuck on a highway for six hours with no end in sight and chemicals start falling from the sky.

So, yeah, I’m a tad cynical. By now you probably know that. In all reality, the best time to get out is when you first see those warnings to prepare an evacuation plan. But can you afford to just leave your job? I can’t. Neither can Frank. That’s why he has his bag with screwdriver and hammer, and sweat rash cream ready to go.