# Coo-ee! Australia calls! Over the last week or so, the clusterf@ck couple of Sir Jacob William Rees-Mogg and Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson, informed U.K. citizens that they should be prepared to sacrifice themselves in a war with Russia. We live in pretty f$cking crazy times, when privileged gormless c@nts like this can even get away with suggesting such shite. What’s worse, these wibbled warnings will soon reach Australia. My grand contribution to international relations theory is that the entire shit show is like an after school playground. What happens in one neighboring high school, will sooner or later come to the rougher and tougher global after-school playground. And so it is, that when wankers like Jacob and Boris start spinning shit you should be prepared, cos it will sooner or later come to Australia. Australia is pretty much like that little kid in playground who regularly plays with the big kids. With big brothers, it holds just that much more grit, energy, and at the same time a degree of confidence that everyone knows if you mix it with one, the big brothers are not far behind. That sort of kid runs harder, shouts louder, and spits further, just to show it can play with the big kids. And so it is, that at least one or two Australian wankers will soon copy Jacob and Boris—but they’ll probably go further—cos they’re that little kid who plays with the big kids in playground. **The little kid who plays with the big kids** You can see Australia’s efforts to go harder across different fields. It’s never enough to just follow the big kids. To prove itself, Australia grabs the ball and goes further and for longer. Recent sprints to show our mettle include privatization, de-industrialization, multilateralism, superannuation, free trade, DEI, COVID-19 vaccinations and lock-downs, surveillance, gun control, and social media monitoring, to name just a few. And when the big powers go off to war, well, that’s when Australia _really_ puts in an effort. Australians fought alongside the U.K. and/or the U.S. in the Boxer Rebellion in China, Sudan, the Maori Wars, South Africa, the First World War, the Second World War, Korea, Malaya, Vietnam, Iraq, Afghanistan and Iraq again. Except for one single time, Australian participation was not a response to an immediate threat, but as a way of proving that it belongs among the big kids. Sadly, we’ve also seen this in Australia’s reaction to China’s emergence. Australia has repeatedly been out near the front of the Western pack in turning anxiety about China into policy. Canberra excluded Huawei from the 5G network in 2018; tightened foreign-interference laws; scrutinized Chinese investment and influence; and in 2020 publicly pushed for an independent inquiry into the origins of COVID-19—moves that helped send the bilateral relationship into its deepest freeze in decades. When Beijing responded with trade restrictions, Canberra did not retreat; it moved still closer to Washington, Tokyo and New Delhi and ultimately entered AUKUS, tying Australia’s future military capabilities and defense-industrial base more closely to the United States and Britain. Even while China remained overwhelmingly Australia’s largest export market, Canberra frames telecommunications, infrastructure, investment, supply chains, the Pacific, education, and advanced technology through the language of national security. This suggests that sooner or later, at least one or two Australian wankers will try to copy Jacob and Boris—but they’ll probably go further. How can they go further? Conscription? It’s not beyond the wit of an Australian wannabe Jacob or Boris. While mainstream politicians have made it clear that it’s not currently on the agenda, that it is being talked about; and non-mainstream politicians occasionally bark about it; is significant. It’s not too far off. Such ideas were once regarded as politically radioactive. Now, they’ve edged back into mainstream discussion. Since around 2024, Australian politicians, strategists and commentators began discussing national service, conscription and ‘whole-of-nation’ mobilization, and conversations regarding preparations for major war. Coo-ee m@therf#ckers!  **The playground rules have changed** If it really were a playground, Australia would actually be the sad droopy kid who everyone knows bluffs about how his big brother can beat anyone up, but goes home every night with his head down, knowing his big brother’s simply a fat junkie, who steals his lunch money, and hasn’t won a fight for a real long time. Australia’s problem is that the rules of the playground have changed. There’s two connecting parts to this. First, China has grown, and Australia lives on the same block. Second, America has declined in relative terms. Part of this is a major transformation in the balance between between maritime and continental powers. For two centuries, maritime powers could reach deep into the Eurasian continent while continental powers struggled to push power out to sea. That advantage has disappeared. With missile and drone technology the advantage lies with continental powers. China and Russia, and in turn Iran (and Australia if it were smart), have the technology and military capacity to push back toward the maritime periphery. The old strategic saddle has buckled, and we’re riding a brumby bareback in our board shorts, wondering why our thighs are chafing. Australia’s main problem: it’s still playing like that little kid in playground who regularly plays with the big kids, and thinks his big brothers will turn up if needs be. Australia still thinks that it’s the 1990s and liberal-democratic middle powers can create elaborate initiatives, comfortable in the embrace of a willing and dominant United States. Those days are well over. Middle powers must today accept that the hierarchy has shifted. All middle power initiatives require the support of a great power (and no they can’t work together without the support of a great power). Support is no longer coming from America or anywhere in Europe, and given Australia’s behavior, it’s not going to come from China or Russia. What does this mean? Realism says that you accept the structures as they are and find the best position to survive. The best position to survive does _not_ mean putting yourself on the front-line for a war to support a dated and decayed order that runs on war calls by the likes of Sir Jacob William Rees-Mogg and Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson. [  **Give yon wee yin a clop over the ear, son!** See the problem is that as the little kid who plays with the big kids in playground, sooner or later you’ll hear some grandma in the corner yell out to her monster of a grandson a few words like “Ach Donnie, give yon cheeky wee yin a clop roon the lug, f’me son,” and then: Thwamp! You’re the little kid flat on the ground, no longer playing with the big kids. This will sooner or later happen to Australia, although the call from the side may have a different accent. The fact is, Australia’s in the wrong playground and playing the wrong game. Australia, much like its big brothers, must relearn the rules of the playground. Feckers like Sir Jacob William Rees-Mogg and Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson belong to a different place and a different era. Those days are well gone. The sooner Australia accepts the change, rejects the old, and fits in with the new, the faster it will grow into, and hopefully even thrive, in the new playground. The first step will be to tell anyone who tries to copy Jacob and Boris exactly where they can stick their call to war. *** A Guinness is all I ask - [Buy Me a Coffee](https://buymeacoffee.com/junotane)! ## Related articles - [[2026-09-14 Banana republic boomers ready to send you to war|Banana republic boomers ready to send you to war]] - [[2026-09-19 China will never invade Australia|China will never invade Australia]] - [[2026-09-21 A grand bargain for Korean neutrality|A grand bargain for Korean neutrality]] - [[2026-09-25 ASPI jumps the shark on China|ASPI jumps the shark on China]] - [[2026-06-29 What if middle powers don't exist?|What if middle powers don't exist?]] - [[2026-06-27 Three crumbling pillars of Australia's defense|Three crumbling pillars of Australia's defense]]